May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of area. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A further position where American men can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you everyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should really halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the venture, replied, "You understand, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a function getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Features


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where company may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested Trump Tower Damascus 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have turn-down support."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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